When Llamas Attack

Barn of the Blood Llama
Austin is home to some mighty strange folks.
There's the delightfully demented guys from the
Austin Lounge Lizards, who will regale you will
songs like "Teenage Immigrant Welfare Mothers on
Drugs," "Love in a Refrigerator Box," and
"Leonard Cohen's Day Job." And there's filmmaker
Kevin West, who, with Barn of the Blood Llama,
proves that he should be kept far from sharp objects
and woolly creatures.
Barn of the Blood Llama -- written (with Kirk
Hunter) and directed by the Austin-based West -- is
the probably the most awful movie I've ever seen. I
mean that in the best way possible. Shot on more
film stocks than Oliver Stone ever dreamed of and
"dubbed in English," Barn is chock full of
everything a Texas-size hunk of exploitation needs:
cheap trampy girls in a convertible!
rock-star hitchhikers!
fast food!
bad acting!
llama funerals!
brain transplantation!
haggis!*

Allow yourself to be drawn into a nightmare of
wool ranching and cheesy filmmaking. Dr. Albert,
the animal coroner and, er, animal lover, is
conducting ungodly experiments out at the World of
Wool llama ranch/bowling ball-buffing service run
by redneck inbreds Jug and Gibby. In an
unfortunate side effect of the good doctor's
scientific search for the formula for Day-Glo wool,
the llamas are now suffering from male berserk
syndrome, which doesn't bear going into. Suffice to
say it's a great excuse for the llamas' random attacks
on young women and propensity for spitting toxic
cud.









Of course, there are plenty of scantily clad
young women around to be devoured in terrible FX
sequences, as well as a washed-up, dumb-as-a-brick
rock-star named Bock who foolishly allows Dr.
Albert to experiment upon him.
Barn of the Blood Llama offers a public
service as well -- it's filled with philosophy you can
use, quotables you'll find yourself spouting
endlessly: "Rock stars: you can't trust 'em as far as
you can kick 'em." "Kids today aren't happy unless
something's on fire." And of course, "Nothing like a
cool glass of llama buttermilk on a hot day."
Have I mentioned how bizarre this film is? The
description above cannot truly convey the
(intentionally) hilarious ridiculousness that is Barn
of the Blood Llama. Even fans of Roger Corman
and early Sam Raimi (Evil Dead) will not be
prepared for it. The guys at Mystery Science
Theater 3000 would shudder in gleeful horror.
Where can you, the unsuspecting film fan, see
this movie? Well, you can't -- not yet. Maybe Gravy
Films, West's production company, is currently
soliciting distribution offers. But you can get a taste
at the film's Web site, here. Check it out... if you
dare.
*hey, don't knock it till you've tried it
Amended 07.07.99
Kevin West reports that "we've managed to get a
showing in Manchester, England in March 2000 and
are about to sign with an Australian distributor," so
somebody's gonna get to see Barn. For those of
you not planning on flying to the U.K. or Down
Under, you can check out a streaming version of the
flick at The Bijou Cafe -- you can also purchase a
video copy there. Don't say you weren't warned.

The Flick Filosopher |
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